Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Appropriate Drinks for Parenting

I am trying to decide if I would like to strive to consider concentrating on possibly giving up coffee -- not ALL coffee, mind you -- just morning coffee.

I do so love my morning coffee, but I think it's making my stomach too acidic.  This potential attempt at pondering the prospect of eliminating coffee has me contemplating all the stressors that coffee has helped relieve throughout parenthood.  I am pretty sure I use it as a crutch.  I have actually stayed awake far too late, watching one or two more episodes of Netflixed "Scrubs", thinking, "I'll just have an extra cup of coffee in the morning to make up for the lost sleep."  That can't be a healthy attitude.

I haven't always relied so heavily on coffee.  I think there are different drinks choices that are appropriate for the different stages of parenthood.  Allow me to elucidate via a handy bullet-point list that you may print out and carry with you, like those cards that tell you which fish are safe to buy, just in case you need a refresher while at the grocery store.

  • Newborn: Water -- Besides being essential for the nursing mother,  it's easy to get dehydrated with a newborn and it's even easier to forget to pee.  Lots and lots of water forces the latter issue.  Since you can still attempt to sleep when the baby is sleeping, you don't want to destroy your chances for a nap with too much caffeine either.
  • Baby to Toddler: Chocolate Milk -- You're not sleeping so you need the caffeine and sugar, but you can't drink hot beverages because there is a grabby child in your arms at all times whom you prefer not to scald.  You also have no time to eat.  Chocolate milk is perfect: you get caffeine, sugar for a good, temporary high, and enough calories to call it sustenance.
  • Four to Five: Coffee is perfect for this age.  You are still not sleeping much and you are dealing with super human bouts of energy (your child's, not yours).  Plus, your house always looks like you've become a hoarder, what with the 7-10 outfits your child changes into and out of a day strewn all over the floor and the massive quantities of crackers and apple slices smashed into every surface possible.
  • Six to Seven: Tequila, Vodka, or another fast-acting hard shot of mind-numbing liquid -- if you have parented this age, you understand this.  This is the time to invest in a Costco card and frequent the liquor section.  If you live in California, you have other options.  Some "expert" somewhere decided we should have a million books on how to parent adorable little, sweet, cuddly babies and toddlers, but not a darn one on how to parent the monsters that emerge from our children's bellies somewhere around six or seven.  I hate that parenting "expert".  This shot's for him!  Huzzah!
  • Eight to Eleven:  Lattes or Fancy Teas -- You still need a bit of the boost that comes from caffeine here, but you have the luxury of spending a little special time with your drink.  These are the easy,  golden years of parenting; don't waste them on Folger's or cheap drive-through coffee. Treat yourself to the good stuff before the teen years approach.
Now, since I have only parented up to 11, I have no idea what the appropriate drinks would be thereafter.  I am guessing wine, but I can't be sure.  I figure wine is a very social drink so it allows you to properly socialize with the parents of other teens.  It might be tricky, though, because you want to be sober should the police come to your house for any child-related reason.  Soda, perhaps?  Soda would be a good choice for sporting events and the like.  Really I have no idea.

If you have survived parenthood past 11, please illuminate us with your wisdom.  What are the best beverages for parents of teens?


6 comments:

Lindy Acker said...

Bahahaha! At first I was merely smiling while reading your blog. Upon further reading I was bursting out in laughter. Paula, you make my day. :)

LakeMom said...

Thanks Lindy. You've successfully raised 3 children, all girls no less. What did you drink when they were teens?

LakeMom said...

One commenter wrote on the FB page that she doesn't know what to drink because she has kids at most stages. I have been there. It takes finesse. I suggest drinking the coffee in public and the Tequila in private.

Truthfully, I don' drink that much alcohol -- I can't tolerate it. There might also be some residual guilt from the one night of Tequila joy I experienced while pregnant with my youngest (I did not know I was pregnant). Anyway, I am not a big drinker. If you fit into this category, I suggest reality TV. I watched lots of "The Bachelor" when my eldest was 7. It left me numb -- the desired effect.

The commenter mentioned that she will soon have TWO 7 year olds. I want to hug her. With two 7 year olds, one must proceed with caution lest one become addicted to one's beverages of choice. I would buy some fat pants and add in copious amounts of chocolate to get through the next year.

deliciousminutiae said...

I love that you're recommending a Costco card to get good deals on the alcohol. I recently recommended to a friend that we should rob a liquor store because, hey, free booze and money! Your plan is better...plus think of all the free samples.

LakeMom said...

deliciousminutae, that is hilarious! How did your friend respond?

I think we have to laugh through some of the downs of parenthood so that we can truly appreciate the ups.

deliciousminutiae said...

My friend didn't think my plan was as clever as I did. She voted no on any Thelma and Louise type activities, which also included no raising bail.

I believe we'll be going to the arboretum instead, last I heard.

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